I'm missing it all.
I feel strangely hollow sitting here, in my usual spot before the computer: coffee at hand and dogs at my feet. The sun is spilling gloriously into the living room, which smells of fresh apples (thanks to my new Scensy Warmer!) and wildlife is at its most active. All these things usually bring me joy, but aren't having that affect this morning. For the first time in a long time, I'm homesick.
I sent presents to Emma and my bro weeks ago and because they arrived on time, I've already had the pleasure of receiving photographs of them been worn or enjoyed. I've spoken to Emma, bro and Sandra recently and exchanged assurances of being thought of and missed as usual, but today it doesn't seem like enough. Today, like a big baby, I just want my big brother! To laugh and joke with in the sense of humour that we alone out of the entire world share. To just zone out on the couch with a movie and annoy him by talking way too much through it: something I haven't enjoyed since 2011! Today I want to touch my best friend Emma and give her the customary, celebratory scalp massage that became tradition all those years ago. And god damn it I want to have a cocktail with Sandra and watch her eyes light up as she talks of her groom, the extravagant one-of-a-kind wedding that they're planning at Brisbane's hottest club and that jaw-dropping gown that's guaranteed to floor her guests.
Her guests. One of which I will not be. This shatters me today.
I don't know why I feel this way today, amidst the most social fortnight I've had since moving to Austin, I find myself suddenly yearning for home. Australia home - not Atlanta home. It's bloody hilarious that now I think Austin is great and it's getting easier for me to not miss Atlanta anymore I find myself wanting to go home to Australia more than I have in YEARS!
I'm feeling fed up with 'catching up' and photos of cakes, drinks, laughs! I want to be the one eating the cake, making the drinks, providing the laughs (well for my bro anyway, since no one else gets me). On occasions like weddings and 30th birthdays, I want to be there in the midst of it all - not toasting to their health from a distance.
My heart hurts today.
It makes no difference that the sun is shining after almost a week of rain, or how heavenly the room smells. Even if a local whitetailed stag (that I'm usually obsessed with) walked straight into my living room right now. None of it matters today. It doesn't change the fact that there's an ocean between me and all I care about.
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