To kick things off, I wanted to share one of my all-time favourite happy songs... but then decided to be honest instead. This week (and for the past few weeks) the song I've been listening to on repeat is Take Me to Church by Hozier.
It's a bit heavy and despite the fact that I'm a positive person by nature, doing my best to remain up-beat, sometimes there's no denying the wretchedness of human nature. That's what this song is to me. An admission of how rotten and hypocritical we each have the capacity of being: persecuting those who are different and fueling hate.
It may seem strange that I'm sharing this, especially this time of year, but while I've had a magical Christmas, a festive New Year's Eve and am certainly looking forward to a fresh new year, a part of me (a part that I consistently bury) died this Christmas. I am inwardly in mourning.
Some of you know I have a shaky relationship with my parents but what no one knows is that 2014 was the very first Christmas I've ever had that didn't involve them in anyway. We completely ignored each other. We both have our reasons. Both equally mad, or stubborn, I guess. Whatever. At the end of the day, we both feel that we are sacrificing chunks of ourselves to maintain a relationship with the other.
When I hear this song, it seems to fuel my anger at them and justify the role I've played. 'I'll tell you my sins, so you can sharpen your knife' are words that are too familiar and in a sick, masochistic way: they soothe me. It seems I've tried my whole life to be worthy of my parent's love - something that's meant to be so certain and unfaltering - and I've struggled with its absence, but feel placated and comforted in this song's reminder that I'm not alone.
I know that feeling. Nothing I could do would make my mom accept or believe in me. It took me until my 40s to give up trying though and realize you can't change people - but you can love yourself more than you hate them. Fill your life with good things and ignore the haters. I hope you have a wonderful 2015!
ReplyDeleteBTW, I’ve taken over hosting the Celebrate the Small Things hop, and we have a new linky for 2015. You can drop by my blog and sign up, so hop members can see your link and continue visiting you.
http://lexacain.blogspot.com/2015/01/celebrate-small-things.html
Thank you Lexa, I value your opinion and continue to be astonished at the kind of parents who can turn their back on their children like that! Not believing in your child? WTF? I just don't understand.
DeleteAnyway... that sounds great... I'll go straight to the link and join right now :)
Hope you have a wonderful 2015 also xx