Tuesday Tunes {Ænema by Tool}

Basically the second my puberty arrived, my taste buds changed dramatically and overnight I went from listening endlessly to The Backstreet Boys and Spice Girls to rock and roll.  I think it's rather fortunate that this occurred in the 90's when rock was borderline mainstream and there was no shortage of purely awesome bands.  Out of my favourites (Deftones, Korn, Placebo, Limp Bizkit, Staind, Godsmack....) few have stayed in my adult playlists.  One of the ones that has - and probably always will at this point - is Tool.

I remember how shocked my devout Baptist mother would be at their album art strewn around my room: exclaiming the symbols were 'witchcraft' and the images were 'blasphemous' or 'devil worshiping.'  I grew up with a lot of fear instilled into me regarding many things, but I was never afraid of Tool's visuals and I used to stare at the album art on Lateralus for ages, thinking it was beautiful. I know I'm super lucky mum never saw any of their video clips though! That would have ensured immediate disposal of all Tool contraband! (  :) love ya mum!) 

While I believe the band intentionally set out to shock people for greater impact, to me Tool never appealed from that stand point.  I always thought that aside from their amazing, genuinely unique sound and time signatures; they were great because of their thought provoking lyrics that challenge societal structures/ government systems and expose the discontent that many people feel with the world - all the things true rock was supposed to be about in the first place.  

Although I eventually outgrew the anger and daddy issues that attracted me to heavy metal rock bands like Korn and Staind, Tool's lyrics became more and more relevant as my journey through life and self discovery continued... it was like: 

yes, I feel numb.  

no, the social clicks, partying and fashion labels aren't filling the void.  

yes, i feel disconnected from my peers and colleagues -

the religious people in my life seem so hypocritical and judgmental.

no one seems to care about what i care about: the environment/ true love/ real relationships,

happiness.

yes, i feel chewed up and spat out.

no, i don't have any corporate aspirations. no clue what i want for the rest of my life.

yes, that makes me feel mental.

no, i don't know the answer.

but it's ok.  

i'm actually not alone.

because of music like this, i feel more normal than I believed. 

I love almost every Tool song I've ever heard, but I chose to feature Ænema because this song is one of the most direct about the discontentment of the current human condition.  It's raw, it's honest and - in true Tool fashion - the video clip is a confrontational visual aide for the turmoil felt within.  To me, it portrays what happens to our soul when we  disconnect from our higher selves and replace decency, comradery, simplicity, compassion and community // with competition, materialism and jealousy.  Very powerful in conjunction with the the lyrics, included here.  I believe 'learn to swim' is a metaphor for 'wake the ffff up' and I don't want to just pick on LA - to me, the whole world's a mess in need of a wake up call (...though not necessarily mass genocide through natural catastrophe as the song implies).

Ok, I'll include a more mellow song too - one of Tool's most popular/ mainstream in fact: Schism.  This is a beautiful song of hope for mankind 'I know the pieces fit, cause I watched them fall away...'  I love this song - but again, beware of the video, it will stir any emotions the lyrics fail to unsettle.     

PS/ I've since learnt that the controversial album covers in question were the artwork of Alex Grey - a Buddhist practitioner, subtle healing energy expert and what many in the spirit science community would call a guru. His art portrays what we would (do) look like if we were (are) pure energy - a topic that is often brought up in Tool's lyrics. 

PPS/ The symbols upon the cover are in fact wicca... Ooops. Sorry mum. 

Tuesday Tunes {Scare Away the Dark by Passenger}

Today's tune is called Scare Away the Dark and it's by one of my all-time favourite musicians: Passenger.  I'm rather surprised I've not mentioned him in this segment sooner, since his music is prominently featured in most of my playlists.

There are a few things I adore about this talented English lad and his brilliant voice.  One of those things is that his music has deep meaning that is relevant to today's lifestyle.  He doesn't sing constantly about love or heartbreak, nor does he try to be cool or fit in with pop culture.  Instead, he addresses significant issues through his music and Scare Away the Dark is no exception. The lyrics get me thinking, yearning for change and I hope they'll emote the same within you.

Passenger is surely doing his part to shake the current value system that's ingrained in material possessions, corporate careers and fierce competition with neighbours and peers; instead stressing the importance of reverting to simpler times and re-examining these beliefs that are wreaking so much havoc in our lives existences today.  The central theme in his music is: none of the bullshit you think makes you successful will ever make you happy.  And he's right.

Another major thing I adore about him is his humility and genuine generosity.  These traits are so rare among famous people, yet despite being a world-renowned, highly successful and award winning musician, Passenger demonstrates humility by frequently busking (street performing) for free all around the world - simply to share his message!!!  Then - in an act of the purest, most genuine generosity - he announced that ALL THE PROFITS from EVERY physical and digital sale of his newest album will be going directly to UNICEF UK and helping malnourished children in Liberia!  He's truly a man that walks the walk he talks - or sings about.

I'm in love with Passenger (who's real name is Michael Rosenberg but who goes by Passenger because, well - aren't we all passengers on this life train?), in love with his spirit, messages and music.  I hope you enjoy the song and have a great week.

PS// I've pre-ordered his album but even if you don't enjoy his music, it would be great if you could see it within yourself to donate to his wonderful cause. All the details are at his website and the UNICEF website.

celebrate the small things | Mar 27

This week I'm celebrating:

- my new car!!
She's not technically 'new' - she's a 2009 model Mini Cooper S, but she's new in my life and I adore her!

Isn't she pretty!?

- two new friends and catching up with two old ones
I met two awesome, empowering girls at SXSW // and on Wednesday had an 'old-school' cocktail evening with my old neighbours!

- the enriching experience of SXSW
learnt several things about human nature, threatening situations, shock and myself.

- my vegetables seeds growing like crazy!

- getting organized
Will was gone all week, which enabled me to complete all the washing/ tidy the house/ organize scattered paperwork and rearrange a few stray decorating items that have been doing my head in.  Now I'm sitting here, with a coffee, looking around and feeling a proud sense of accomplishment.

- the weekend
We've got quite a few exciting things planned this weekend: breakfast downtown/ the local markets/ visiting friends/ a nature hike and detailing my new car.

Tuesday Tunes {King by Years & Years}

Well hi!  I survived and I'm back from my week working SXSW!  It was a blur consisting mainly of bands, rappers, crowds, exhaustion, Schlotzsky's boxes and broken sleep... But boy, was it fun!  

Aside from making several, awesome, new friends; I discovered a bunch of new music and today I'd like to share one of my fave new discoveries - a British, electronic band called Years and Years.  These guys were incredibly sweet (they waited in my queue one night) and oh! so talented.  

This song is called King but I highly recommend checking out some others if you enjoy it, since I had a hard time choosing just one!

Tuesday Tunes {Wild Country by Wake Owl}

A reflective, pensive mood today as I write about the foreign countries I've visited recently and experiences I've had.  No better song to play in the background than Wild Country, by one of my favourite bands, Wake Owl.

What are you listening to today?

Tuesday Tunes {Photograph by Ed Sheeran}

I realise I'm writing Tuesday's Tune on a Wednesday, but I've already missed a week and didn't want to miss another.  This is the soundtrack of my life, after all.

So, last week was our eagerly awaited Caribbean cruise and the soundtrack to those wonderful seven days was Ed Sheeran's album 'X.'  My favourite song, without a doubt, being Photograph:  

We keep this love in a photograph

We made these memories for ourselves

Where our eyes are never closing, hearts are never broken

And time's forever frozen still.

Now I'm smiling, as I replay this, type out these lyrics and realise that for the rest of my life: this song - and my own photographs - will, somewhat ironically, remind me of our room/ our adventures/ our meals/ poolside cocktails/ the ship and the way it would sway/ Will looking dashing in nautical attire and everything else about the most perfect holiday we've ever taken!

Tuesday Tunes {Sweater Weather by The Neighbourhood}

One of my favourite songs for this randomly freezing cold Tuesday in Austin:

tuesday tunes {Cheek to Cheek by Bennett & Gaga}

By now it's more than obvious that I ain't a mainstream type-o-gal and I certainly don't care about/ wasn't sitting at home on Sunday night watching The Grammys.  I was however, curious about (current obsession) Hozier's duet, so on Monday I YouTubed it.  Nothing to say on THAT particular subject (sad face), so moving right along:

YouTube did that thing on the right side of the screen where it inferred my preferences and made recommendations.  One recommendation was another performance from the Grammys: Cheek to Cheek by Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga, which I really liked!

This song probably wouldn't be considered mainstream without the Gaga, since pop legend Tony Bennett on his own has long since been dubbed 'easy listening,' 'classic' or 'big band,' but I think they sound ab fab together!  Gaga has a great voice and if you close your eyes to shut out the way she grinds up and down on the man, it sounds very classy indeed!

tuesday tunes {Hozier}

Will was travelling for work all of last week but it was bearable this time because by sheer coincidence, the day he left I downloaded an album that caused me to cheat on him.  Majorly. Blissfully. All week long.  What? Cheat on Will? But he's sooo wonderful AND taking your ass on a cruise!  I can hear your indignation at this fact already, but yes. I have mentally and repeatedly cheated on my husband, with another man.  His name is Andrew Hozier-Byrne and he holds my very naked soul in his bare hand this week.

Surely by now everyone's heard Take Me To Church, which is undoubtedly terrific.  I've loved it as much as any other and have manipulated its meaning to soothe my own pain for a time. Yet, truthfully, it's one of the worst songs on the album.  Aside from  Angel of Small Death and the Cocaine Scene, which I just can't get into, the rest of the melodic and lyrical combinations on this holy grail of an album are liquid sex.  Nope, not exaggerating.  The clarity of Hozier's deep, reverberating voice, combined with those chilling choral echoes and deep guitar strums, hang suspended in the thickness of silence long after the song is done, literally stirring the slumbering parasites within:

Didn't that give you goosebumps? It's insane the extent to which music can move you and this album is a perfect example. Hozier's voice and the raw blatancy of emotion conveyed within it, turn my insides to goo. Every girl's dream to have a guy sing these kinds of songs about her - or perhaps simply to meet a guy capable of feeling and expressing himself this way... and it doesn't hurt that he's a total babe either.  Ladies, honestly, if your sex life is somewhat stagnant at present (or your husband is on the road ;) ) do yourselves a favour and download this album!!  You'll want the bonus track version because Run is the musical orgasm you've been waiting for all your life.

Some of Hozier's lyrics guaranteed to emote:

i'm all but washed in the tide of her breathing

screaming the name of a foreigner's god, the purest expression of grief.

darling don't you join in, you're supposed to drag me away from it

when my time comes around, lay me gently in the cold, dark earth.  no grave can hold my body down, i'll crawl home to her.

a rope in hand for your other man to hang from a tree

never feel too good in crowds, with folks around, when they're playing
the anthems of rape culture loud, crude and proud, creatures baying
all I've ever done is hide from our times when you're near me
honey, when you kill the lights, and kiss my eyes, i feel like a person for a moment of my life.  but you don't know what hell you put me through.  to have someone kiss the skin that crawls from you. to feel your weight in arms I'd never use.  it's the God that heroin prays to

run until you feel your lungs bleeding

babe there's something so wholesome about you, get closer to me

this week's tip | open your mind

Do you believe in God?  Which God?  Vishnu?  Arianrhod?  Ahura Mazda?   Tsohanoai?

I believe in the faith of endless possibility.  To me, your God is as real as my own but so what?  Does what I believe really impact your life in any significant way?  Why are there people who always try to make someone understand things in their way?  Why is it important that you should agree 100% with me and I, with you?

My dad used to say 'leave the matters of faith alone for your heart to decide: it's a personal decision.'  That's resonated and stayed with me throughout my entire adult life, for I also believe we each have our own path that twists and turns us in its own way.  A way unique of any other that shows us different things and teaches us each a different lesson.  How could I ever possibly see the world the way a 50 year old man living on the Irish coastline would?  Or a 17 year old Somali girl?  Or Giorgio Tsoukalos?   Why are there some that think I need to?  Isn't faith meant to be a very sacred, personal issue to everyone?  Something that brings you comfort and bravery.  I mean honestly, what do you care who I'm praying to in the dead of night?  How does that touch your life at all?

The very idea of converting someone to your religion baffles me.  Mainly because no two people ever really interpret things the same way, but also because of how much one person can change over the course of their lifetime.  I've often heard Christians say that one Bible passage could come to mean two, or three, or even four different things throughout their own lives, depending on the reader's mood, situation, growth or change in life.  Which part then, would you try and make me see?

I dream of a world in which we are each secure enough in our own beliefs that we don't to try cramming them down the throat of anyone else; and not merely from a religious standpoint either.  A world in which government systems aren't so hell-bent on controlling every last one of us, that they feel the need to periodically fuel the hatred and underline the differences between us all.  A perfect utopia in which we are all open-minded enough to believe there is validity in every faith.

What I'm about to say isn't meant to sound like boasting, but I consider my own life as testimony that peace can be attained through open minds.  Consider me briefly:  I was born and raised Russian Orthodox in a communist society | despite a communist, atheist grandfather, who incidentally remains my most beloved relative | my mother is Baptist | my best friend is Baptist | I'm not sure about my bro exactly, but think he's somewhere between Christian and ancient-astronaut-theorist | I married a Methodist | moved to America where my closest friends became: (OMG) Muslims (what!), Greek Orthodox, transcendentalists, New Agers, Catholics and (sorry mama) atheists.  Oh, and can you believe I've somehow managed to befriend republicans and democrats (even a tea party enthusiast) alike?  It's baffling...or is it?  Because, in my opinion:  no one cares.  No one I want to be around, anyway.  My friends and I take each other at face value and leave personal beliefs alone, since we all believe you reached your own conclusions on purpose.      

It's so enriching to share your life experience with people from vastly different backgrounds to your own.  To discover how your silly buddy that makes you laugh so hard you get abdominal pain, can even have a sense of humour when he was raised in poverty in Bangladesh.  Or how your Iranian friend's entire family with Zoroastrian beliefs were simply told to convert to Islam and within a week had their homes stripped of any Zoroastrian book or artifact, who has legitimate reasons to despise Muslims, but doesn't.

It's an enormous world and I think it's fair to state that every 7+ billion of us have a unique perspective and personal belief.  I will never make you try and see the world through the eyes of a girl born in Kazakhstan during the Soviet Union era but grew up in Australia.  Nor could I ever fully adopt your point of view.  I do believe, however, that with an open mind we can empathize with each other and learn so much about what it is to live in this world.  Isn't that what we're here for?

Peace out.    

tuesday tunes {Youth by Daughter}

It's been a strange, introspective, educational week.  On Thursday, I saw the Theory of Everything at the cinema, which had a profound and lasting affect; then over the weekend I saw a movie called A Long Way Down, which wasn't the best movie I've ever seen, but it is thought provoking.  Anyway... the highlight of the film was the song played in the scene where J.J. realizes he's being played for a fool: Youth by Daughter.  As I tend to, I instantly downloaded the song and listened to it about a million times, first because of its catchy melody, then because the lyrics resonated with me.

I've been brooding lately.  About life, humanity, myself and my perceived lack of achievement.  Discovering this song was a wow moment because it's exactly how I feel.  Here are the lyrics:

shadows settle on the place that you left

our minds are troubled by the emptiness

destroy the middle, it's a waste of time

from the perfect start, to the finish line

and if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones

cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs

setting fire to our insides for fun

collecting names of the lovers that went wrong, 

the lovers that went wrong

we are the reckless, we are the wild youth

chasing visions of our futures

one day we'll reveal the truth

that one will die before he gets there

and if you're still bleeding, you're the lucky ones

cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone

we're setting fire to our insides for fun

collecting pictures from the flood that wrecked our home

it was a flood that wrecked this home

and you caused it

and you caused it

and you caused it

well i've lost it all, i'm just a silhouette

a lifeless face that you will soon forget

and my eyes are damp from the words you left

ringing in my head when you broke my chest

ringing in my head when you broke my chest

and if you're in love, then you are the lucky one

cause most of us are bitter over someone

setting fire to our insides for fun

to distract our hearts from ever missing them

but i'm forever missing him.

and you caused it. 

and you caused it.

and you caused it.

Goosebumps for me, every time I hear this ethereal song with soul quacking lyrics.  To me, it's about the accumulation of pain, the corruption of innocence and loss of childhood.  The realization that the world is a major disappointment, full of heart ache, followed by the desensitizing steps we take to protect  ourselves from further pain.  Yet, it seems to implore the listener to hold on to their pure, youthful naivety.  Not to loose it along the way, but to consider themselves lucky to be able to feel at all.  The alternative would be to become a silhouette, a lifeless, soon forgotten face.  It goes hand in hand with the Theory of Everything, and perks me up, because Stephen Hawking didn't allow this to happen to himself at all.  He remains one of the lucky ones.

Ultimately I think it's an empowering song.  Sort of saying: look at me, you don't want to to end up like this.  The words destroy the middle, it's a waste of time. from the perfect start, to the finish line together with we are the reckless, we are the wild youth.  chasing visions of our future. one day we'll reveal the truth, that one will die before he gets there; seem to caution against rushing through life without savouring the present moment, since that's all there ever really is.  Almost as if the lyrics are telling you that the secret to not becoming broken and cynical is to find a way to be happy in, and savour, the moment without letting it crush you.

I love it and I'm somewhat blown away by the message that the universe has conveyed to me twice this past week.  I've had the moment of wallowing self pity, followed by the swift kick up the ass I needed.  I won't be corrupted, numb, lifeless or bitter: there are no excuses for failure.

What do you think?  Bit heavy for a Tuesday morning?

this week's tip | do something that scares you

After writing all about my public squid eating experience, I realized that doing something scary actually feels very rewarding afterwards!

For me, the self-conscious scenario of eating an unconventional food was made worse by the fact that I was sitting in a busy food court, alone, and already feeling exposed.  When you're eating out with somebody, you rarely notice anyone else and you don't really care about how messy you are.  But in lone-dining situations, I always find myself eating very carefully, tying not to spill or slurp.  In all honestly, my self-consciousness probably wasn't even about what I was eating, so much as the vulnerability I felt at having an audience.

It's not that I'm agoraphobic, or anthropophobic, but am I alone in feeling like I'm being stared at and judged when I eat in front of a bunch of strangers by myself?  Even if no one is looking!  It's a tense situation, I don't like how it feels and I try to find corner tables whenever I can... but having said that, I will own to feeling a triumphant sense of victory when I'm successfully done eating at a center table, then I can rise from the table and leave gracefully - without tripping, dropping anything or bumping anything!

This empowering, triumphant feeling makes it all worth it and it's why I repeatedly choose to eat in a food court or crowded restaurant, alone.  It's like a test for my confidence and a way to desensitize myself from that feeling of discomfort.  With frequent, successful experiences: I'm sure it's bound to work.  I'm bound to overcome this fear of dining alone - whether I spill everything, break the chair simply by sitting on it, or topple the whole table over.  Yep, eventually, it's bound to work.  And eventually, I'll stop picturing these types of worst-case scenarios!

In a moment of sheer zen, I envision myself casually sitting at a fancy, busy restaurant all alone.  I'm drinking red wine over a white table cloth and white summer dress, eating raw oysters, squid or anything else unconventional that I feel like.  I imagine the careless feeling within, that my grown confidence has bestowed and I see myself smiling as I remember how afraid of this exact scenario I used to be.  I can feel how wonderful it is.  I am chilled.  I have slayed that dragon, conquered something that used to terrify me and now I am cool, collected and chic.  I wish the same for you.

food for thought | squid

On Monday I went out for lunch and chose a squid salad because Will was nowhere in sight.  Had he been around, he would have cringed, pulled faces and made disgruntled remarks about how gross it was - and I wouldn't have enjoyed my yummy meal at all.   Yet as I sat at that WholeFoods table alone, with Will's repulsion in my mind's eye, I started wondering if people around me were having similarly disgusted reactions and felt very self-conscious.  Many people are grossed out by squid tentacles and as I became increasingly paranoid, I subtly glanced around to ensure no one was dry-reaching or holding their noses and pointing at me!    

It seems funny now, in the comfort of home, but it is quite a self-conscious scenario.  Australians and Americas alike are not the most polite when it comes to food etiquette: happy to openly reject something new, without trying it, and more than happy to belittle the eater!  I would have felt just as under-the-spotlight if I had suddenly reacted on a compulsion to strip down to my jocks and start dancing on the table!  As it was, I sat there trying to take big mouth fulls - desperately trying to avoid that dreaded tentacle-sticking-out-of-mouth scenario!  And I wished I had my very confident, very loud Greek friend beside me, eating her own squid salad and name-calling the haters!  Most European countries eat squid without flinching and it seems silly to care about the opinions of others... 

Eventually I did feel foolish and cursed Will for making me feel so paranoid about my choice in lunch.  I looked down at my delicious meal with the squishy, chewy texture I love so much and considered a world in which I cared so much about what others thought that I never ate squid again!  Nope - not worth it.  Sure, it has tentacles, which feel weird on your tongue.  Sure it's rubbery and takes a little work to break down... but to me it's worth it because the trade off is the taste of the very ocean!  Meaty, salty goodness: so high in protein, so low in anything bad!

My name is Lena.  And I lurve squid.  Deal with it. 

In its raw form: squid (purple, with tentacles) and
calamari (white tubes without tentacles)

Tuesday tunes {Watering Can by Liza Anne}

This week I've been writing a lot and despite the possibility of sounding like a spoiled brat, I'll reveal that when I write I like two things for optimum creativity: a candle burning beside me and faint, soft background music.  While listening to the Wind and The Wave Pandora station, I came across Watering Can, by Liza Anne, fell in love and downloaded the album (called The Colder Months).

As she says in the video below, this song is about falling in love with the wrong person and the relationship ultimately not working out.  Before marrying my best friend, I collected two separate cases of my own that I can relate to this topic, as I'm sure most women will have at least one!  Now, as I listen to these lyrics, her voice and the hauntingly beautiful way she expresses that lost love: I can't help smiling at the wonderful way my love life turned out and all those stupid, pointless and wasted tears I cried over boys that weren't worth it.

I've been listening to the album on repeat for most of the week, but Watering Can is my favourite song.  This video is of her signing acoustic and was the only one I could share from YouTube, but I prefer the radio version with the upbeat additions <3 you can check it out here.  Which do you prefer?

celebrate the small things | Jan 16

Ok, what the heck... I know you've all heard someone complaining about this and I don't want to become that person... but where is the time going?  The 16th already?  That means half the month has gone by!  I'm not celebrating that.  I'm bummed about that.  But maybe time's gone by so fast because I've had such a great week.  Here's what I'm celebrating:

- a spontaneous, cozy and romantic lunch date with my hubbie, who was away all last week and whom I'd missed dreadfully.

- on Wednesday Feebee, my fiddle leaf fig, unwrapped her second, brand new leaf!!  This is a HUGE deal to me since I was so worried about all my plants after our big move in October - plant peeps know a shock like that can potentially cause them great harm - but now I know she's ok!  (I am a little puzzled as to why she's decided to grow in the middle of winter - perhaps it's the indoor heating that has her confused - but SO celebrating this regardless!) 

- oh, aaaaaaaaaand a brand new Birchbox: packed full of goodies as usual.  This time a liquid body scrub, lip stain, body lotion, face cream and hairspray:

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend and continue celebrating all the small things throughout xo

Tuesday tunes {The Wind and The Wave}

This week's tune is From the Wreckage Build a Home by my favourite local Austin band, The Wind and The Wave.  

Will and I first heard these guys on a TV show we like to watch, 'Hart of Dixie,' and then again at the Austin Bat Fest last August.  After hearing their whole set, I instantly downloaded their album and to this day include at least one of their songs in every playlist I make!  I love them to death and felt it only right to feature them this week, given that they are touring.  Huge congrats on their success!

PS// These guys are so up-and-coming that most of their songs don't have 'real' video clips yet, but I'm sure you'll agree that it hardly matters!

Tuesday tunes {Take Me to Church by Hozier}

Ever heard the saying 'the music you listen to becomes the soundtrack of your life?'  I think it's great and in an effort to account for my own life's soundtrack, I'm starting 2015 with a new segment called Tuesday tunes; where I will post the current song (or songs) I'm obsessing over that week.

To kick things off, I wanted to share one of my all-time favourite happy songs... but then decided to be honest instead.  This week (and for the past few weeks) the song I've been listening to on repeat is Take Me to Church by Hozier.

It's a bit heavy and despite the fact that I'm a positive person by nature, doing my best to remain up-beat, sometimes there's no denying the wretchedness of human nature. That's what this song is to me.  An admission of how rotten and hypocritical we each have the capacity of being: persecuting those who are different and fueling hate.

It may seem strange that I'm sharing this, especially this time of year, but while I've had a magical Christmas, a festive New Year's Eve and am certainly looking forward to a fresh new year, a part of me (a part that I consistently bury) died this Christmas.  I am inwardly in mourning.

Some of you know I have a shaky relationship with my parents but what no one knows is that 2014 was the very first Christmas I've ever had that didn't involve them in anyway.  We completely ignored each other.  We both have our reasons.  Both equally mad, or stubborn, I guess.  Whatever. At the end of the day, we both feel that we are sacrificing chunks of ourselves to maintain a relationship with the other.

When I hear this song, it seems to fuel my anger at them and justify the role I've played. 'I'll tell you my sins, so you can sharpen your knife' are words that are too familiar and in a sick, masochistic way: they soothe me.  It seems I've tried my whole life to be worthy of my parent's love - something that's meant to be so certain and unfaltering - and I've struggled with its absence, but feel placated and comforted in this song's reminder that I'm not alone.