this week's tip | open your mind

Do you believe in God?  Which God?  Vishnu?  Arianrhod?  Ahura Mazda?   Tsohanoai?

I believe in the faith of endless possibility.  To me, your God is as real as my own but so what?  Does what I believe really impact your life in any significant way?  Why are there people who always try to make someone understand things in their way?  Why is it important that you should agree 100% with me and I, with you?

My dad used to say 'leave the matters of faith alone for your heart to decide: it's a personal decision.'  That's resonated and stayed with me throughout my entire adult life, for I also believe we each have our own path that twists and turns us in its own way.  A way unique of any other that shows us different things and teaches us each a different lesson.  How could I ever possibly see the world the way a 50 year old man living on the Irish coastline would?  Or a 17 year old Somali girl?  Or Giorgio Tsoukalos?   Why are there some that think I need to?  Isn't faith meant to be a very sacred, personal issue to everyone?  Something that brings you comfort and bravery.  I mean honestly, what do you care who I'm praying to in the dead of night?  How does that touch your life at all?

The very idea of converting someone to your religion baffles me.  Mainly because no two people ever really interpret things the same way, but also because of how much one person can change over the course of their lifetime.  I've often heard Christians say that one Bible passage could come to mean two, or three, or even four different things throughout their own lives, depending on the reader's mood, situation, growth or change in life.  Which part then, would you try and make me see?

I dream of a world in which we are each secure enough in our own beliefs that we don't to try cramming them down the throat of anyone else; and not merely from a religious standpoint either.  A world in which government systems aren't so hell-bent on controlling every last one of us, that they feel the need to periodically fuel the hatred and underline the differences between us all.  A perfect utopia in which we are all open-minded enough to believe there is validity in every faith.

What I'm about to say isn't meant to sound like boasting, but I consider my own life as testimony that peace can be attained through open minds.  Consider me briefly:  I was born and raised Russian Orthodox in a communist society | despite a communist, atheist grandfather, who incidentally remains my most beloved relative | my mother is Baptist | my best friend is Baptist | I'm not sure about my bro exactly, but think he's somewhere between Christian and ancient-astronaut-theorist | I married a Methodist | moved to America where my closest friends became: (OMG) Muslims (what!), Greek Orthodox, transcendentalists, New Agers, Catholics and (sorry mama) atheists.  Oh, and can you believe I've somehow managed to befriend republicans and democrats (even a tea party enthusiast) alike?  It's baffling...or is it?  Because, in my opinion:  no one cares.  No one I want to be around, anyway.  My friends and I take each other at face value and leave personal beliefs alone, since we all believe you reached your own conclusions on purpose.      

It's so enriching to share your life experience with people from vastly different backgrounds to your own.  To discover how your silly buddy that makes you laugh so hard you get abdominal pain, can even have a sense of humour when he was raised in poverty in Bangladesh.  Or how your Iranian friend's entire family with Zoroastrian beliefs were simply told to convert to Islam and within a week had their homes stripped of any Zoroastrian book or artifact, who has legitimate reasons to despise Muslims, but doesn't.

It's an enormous world and I think it's fair to state that every 7+ billion of us have a unique perspective and personal belief.  I will never make you try and see the world through the eyes of a girl born in Kazakhstan during the Soviet Union era but grew up in Australia.  Nor could I ever fully adopt your point of view.  I do believe, however, that with an open mind we can empathize with each other and learn so much about what it is to live in this world.  Isn't that what we're here for?

Peace out.    

tuesday tunes {Youth by Daughter}

It's been a strange, introspective, educational week.  On Thursday, I saw the Theory of Everything at the cinema, which had a profound and lasting affect; then over the weekend I saw a movie called A Long Way Down, which wasn't the best movie I've ever seen, but it is thought provoking.  Anyway... the highlight of the film was the song played in the scene where J.J. realizes he's being played for a fool: Youth by Daughter.  As I tend to, I instantly downloaded the song and listened to it about a million times, first because of its catchy melody, then because the lyrics resonated with me.

I've been brooding lately.  About life, humanity, myself and my perceived lack of achievement.  Discovering this song was a wow moment because it's exactly how I feel.  Here are the lyrics:

shadows settle on the place that you left

our minds are troubled by the emptiness

destroy the middle, it's a waste of time

from the perfect start, to the finish line

and if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones

cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs

setting fire to our insides for fun

collecting names of the lovers that went wrong, 

the lovers that went wrong

we are the reckless, we are the wild youth

chasing visions of our futures

one day we'll reveal the truth

that one will die before he gets there

and if you're still bleeding, you're the lucky ones

cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone

we're setting fire to our insides for fun

collecting pictures from the flood that wrecked our home

it was a flood that wrecked this home

and you caused it

and you caused it

and you caused it

well i've lost it all, i'm just a silhouette

a lifeless face that you will soon forget

and my eyes are damp from the words you left

ringing in my head when you broke my chest

ringing in my head when you broke my chest

and if you're in love, then you are the lucky one

cause most of us are bitter over someone

setting fire to our insides for fun

to distract our hearts from ever missing them

but i'm forever missing him.

and you caused it. 

and you caused it.

and you caused it.

Goosebumps for me, every time I hear this ethereal song with soul quacking lyrics.  To me, it's about the accumulation of pain, the corruption of innocence and loss of childhood.  The realization that the world is a major disappointment, full of heart ache, followed by the desensitizing steps we take to protect  ourselves from further pain.  Yet, it seems to implore the listener to hold on to their pure, youthful naivety.  Not to loose it along the way, but to consider themselves lucky to be able to feel at all.  The alternative would be to become a silhouette, a lifeless, soon forgotten face.  It goes hand in hand with the Theory of Everything, and perks me up, because Stephen Hawking didn't allow this to happen to himself at all.  He remains one of the lucky ones.

Ultimately I think it's an empowering song.  Sort of saying: look at me, you don't want to to end up like this.  The words destroy the middle, it's a waste of time. from the perfect start, to the finish line together with we are the reckless, we are the wild youth.  chasing visions of our future. one day we'll reveal the truth, that one will die before he gets there; seem to caution against rushing through life without savouring the present moment, since that's all there ever really is.  Almost as if the lyrics are telling you that the secret to not becoming broken and cynical is to find a way to be happy in, and savour, the moment without letting it crush you.

I love it and I'm somewhat blown away by the message that the universe has conveyed to me twice this past week.  I've had the moment of wallowing self pity, followed by the swift kick up the ass I needed.  I won't be corrupted, numb, lifeless or bitter: there are no excuses for failure.

What do you think?  Bit heavy for a Tuesday morning?

things I'll miss about living here | No.2 happy doggies

My doggies are my children so that being said, their security / confidence/ happiness is important to me.  They were ok with highrise living in Atlanta, where they would wait inside all day until we got home from work and take them for a walk, but they really really love having a yard and all the other features that come with this place!

After living here for a year, they're familiar with the streets and the directions in which lay their park, the grocery store, vet and of course, where their little friends live.  On our walks, we always have to stop outside the gate where Banjo lives and then the gate where Sunny lives so they can say hello.  Even though they don't realise such a big change is coming, I feel sad about uprooting their lives and sense of familiarity, placing them into a brand new setting (again) where they will have to relearn where everything is (again).  I don't know if this makes dogs as insecure as it makes children feel, but I worry all the same. They're presently so blissfully happy!

One of my personal favourite features, and one that I will miss most dearly about living here, is how super sweet all the neighbours are towards them; always stopping for a pat, a scratch behind the ears or just a friendly 'hey there Baxter!', 'hello little Dorothy!'  when they see them outside.  It warms my heart.  Over time, all of our neighbours have become okay with the doggies running around our front yards off their leashes chasing balls, birds, squirrels, being silly... just like children... while we stand talking to one another and supervising them... just like parents.

It all makes me apprehensive about moving away.  Will our new neighbours like our doggies?  Will they even care?  Apathy is better than intolerance but I dislike the thought of keeping them on their leashes 100% of the time outside when they are good doggies that can be trusted, simply because our neighbours may not be dog people.  Both Bax and D have become a lot more confidant and trusting of people since we moved here, I'd hate for them to regress....

accountability

With more than half the year done and dusted // only four months of 2014 remain people!! // I thought it would be a great time to revisit those NYE goals I set for myself all those long months (that feel like yesterday) ago.  Nothing like a bit of accountability in the middle of an otherwise carefree summer!

Here is what my goals looked like: 

I made a pretty collage AND cut out the word resolution to make it seem
less daunting!

My first category was travel goals - domestic and international: none of which have yet been met. With the purchase of a new house looming on the horizon, it will be a miracle if any of these are actually met this year... but I won't give up hope!

Next was my personal expansion goals which were to meditate daily, continue reiki, grow herbs and take a hair styling course: again, I seem to have failed in each one other than the herbs!  I refuse to focus on negatives, so let me assure you that while I'm no master at herb growing - my basil, dill and peppermint are all looking sublime!  As for the rest, I am no longer interested in a hair styling course (what the???) and plan to do more reiki soon - hopefully to be followed by meditating!  Still got four months to do this!

In the health category I am kicking serious butt!  I have done every one of these // very successfully, YAY //  I have not only 'cut down'  my sweet tooth, but almost entirely cut out refined sugars from my diet; I am more active and use the time every morning when the pups stretch to stretch also; AND I've cut back on caffeine substantially!  Feeling very good about this category :) now it makes sense why I've lost so much weight since moving to ATX!

In my last category I had overall improvement goals which were to: write more, cook more, keep existing plants living, contact friends and fam more, walk the pups more and write on Baxter's blog more... well here I had a real hit and miss.  I don't write more - but I have managed to blog on a more frequent basis than I used to; I am cooking more and loving it; while I haven't been able to save several plants (eg. Xmas poinsettia's), I am much better at caring for them in general; I've become 100% better at staying in touch with peeps; definitely walk the pups more; but have let Baxter's blog down in a big way...

It's interesting to look at these goals and self-assess at this point.  I realize how much I've changed and how some things just aren't a priority anymore.  I'd still like to hold myself accountable for my health and personal development, but now new things are important that I didn't even know about back then.  I'm glad I set those goals that have shown be just how much I've evolved over the past seven months!  If I had to set new goals it would look like this:

-travel// domestic: Boston, Maine.  International: Ireland & the UK (because one should always keep reaching for the stars!)

-personal expansion// reiki, meditate, affirmations, practice more metaphysics, read more, listen better, learn more. (esp about plants), increase vocabulary, practice foreign languages, keep trying not to judge others!

- health// keep kicking butt, but also keep oil pulling, drinking lemon water, doing your own nails, being strict about what goes on and into your body, ride a bicycle more often and exercise more.

- overall improvement// write more, cook more, continue to stay out of family drama (remember two sides & true intentions!), learn more about blogging/ writing and freelance to turn passion into career! Never stop trying to reach those goals - but in the mean time, find a job that pays better!  And don't be so hard on yourself - remember: you are right where you're meant to be, always!

z is (predictably) for zoo

pink flamingos, Atlanta zoo

Stay with me here, yes 'zoo' for letter 'Z' is a predictable topic but it's one that I feel should be mentioned and (hopefully) discussed!  My first impression of zoos in America has been somewhat disappointing.  Although I've only visited two zoos: one in Dallas and one in Atlanta; I have conducted a little research (Google search) on zoos throughout the country and can safely declare my reason for being disappointed: most of the animals aren't even American!

giraffe and zebra at Atlanta Zoo

As the cartoon Madagascar honestly portrayed, every "New Yorker from Central Park" animal was actually African.  Sure: giraffes, lions and hippopotamuses are extraordinary to look at and my goodness the gorilla enclosure in Atlanta is simply divine, but where are the native animals? The bison?  The bald eagles, the moose and wolves?  When I visited an American zoo, I expected to see some native American animals, yet aside from some bird, deer and reptile types - they were all foreign.

rattlesnake, Atlanta zoo

I recently read somewhere (forgive me for being vague) that it's considered cruel keeping a bear in captivity because they become very depressed and moody, often lashing out at carers and viewers.  But isn't this true of all intelligent mammals?  I've heard orcas get the same way and yet they are still kept in tanks.  How can it be considered cruel toward one species and not others?  And if bears cannot be kept in a zoo - what about other native animals?  Are all American animals incapable of captivity?  It makes no sense to me, especially when other animals are transported half way across the world to be enclosed.

gorilla in Atlanta zoo

During this A-Z challenge, my topic has been America from an outsider's perspective and through it, I know I've raised controversial questions and frequently compared it to my own country, Australia.  Permit me to this one last time and just say with utter certainty: Aussie zoos are better!  This is simply because when you visit an Australian zoo, you will see every native animal you've ever read or heard about - from the platypus and wombat to the emu and koala bear.  Often, there'll be an elephant and some zebras too but somehow they are never the main event.  Surely when people visit the USA they would like to see native animals too?  Don't get me wrong, I'll not going to stop visiting them, I love zoos and seeing all kinds of animals make me happy!  But my wish is to see a real moose up close.  A bald eagle would be nice too.

#138596308 / gettyimages.com

Thank you for joining me on this A-Z adventure.  I apologize for blogging a little late at times this past week - I've had some doggy / computer drama at home but it's all good now :)  I've really enjoyed meeting everyone and becoming part of your networks or having you become a part of mine.  I hope we can all stay in touch and catch up again soon!

those days are gone

It's with a heavy heart that I accept a sad truth this week: I'll never be able to wear my super hot, super short denim shorts that defined my late teens and early 20s again.  Those days are gone.  Even if I manage to somehow shrink my hips enough to squeeze these shorts over them once more, there's that niggling realization that I'm on the wrong side of 20 so they may no longer be an appropriate dress choice.  And I'm really bummed about that.

I'm bummed because I'm not sure I'm ready to accept my age or what never fitting these shorts again means. I don't think I'm ready to give up on the chance to relive those super fun, super wild, out-of-control, impulsive years that I wore them, when nothing made sense and everything was a spontaneous ride with no pre-planned destination.  The years I spent in these shorts were those of growth: that musically took me from angry rock to upbeat electronics and then mellow indie and reflective ballads; and emotionally from throwing my heart at the first attractive guy that liked me to locking that same heart away in a chest bound by chains so tight, Houdini himself would have struggled to open it.

I wore these shorts as I transitioned from wine spritzers to beer, to real wine and then, when I could finally afford to thanks to a real job, cocktails.  Through the years of camping and bonfires, when my friends and I would laugh at retold stories or get lost in deep meditation as one of them strummed a guitar.  The years of blissful sunny days, cruising with the windows down and hair billowing out, screaming Pussycat Dolls songs the top of our lungs.  The carefree summers when days were spent sun-baking and nights were danced away because we had nowhere to be in the morning.  The years I wore these shorts were the years of karaoke sing-offs, public displays of affection, nudie runs, pranks and complete and unabashed freedom ... Though at times I cried in these tiny shorts, I always took comfort in knowing that it was my decisions that caused those tears to flow and that I alone would fix the issues.  Or perhaps with the help of my friends who were just as reckless and whose shorts were just as short.

Those years really are gone.  That part of my life ended.  I smile sadly to myself now here in this office in a still foreign city, one dog asleep on my lap - the other on the floor beside me, a pile of bills I paid yesterday that I need to stamp and file and a clock creeping onward to lunchtime when I will need make a meal for Will and finish the final load of washing before the weekend.  It seems strange to think that those tumultuous years lead to this place of stability and peace.  And that I spent my morning reliving them because of a ritual as mundane as packing away my winter clothes and replacing them with summer ones.

This ritual is the usual cause of my donation piles, when I stumble across those 'what was I thinking?' fashion choices from the previous season that will never be cool again and ruthlessly cull them from my wardrobe. When I came across these tiny little shorts (that have long since been nothing more than a weight motivating tool) they that acted like a portkey (Harry Potter reference) to my past and had me sitting on the floor in my wardrobe watching a reel of memories that included places, faces and many other 'what was I thinking' scenarios that I wish I could cull from my life.  The biggest is my own self-perception.  What was I thinking calling myself fat or being self-conscious about anything?  No matter what bodily issues I convinced myself of having back then, these days I'm a mess in comparison.  My stomach is no longer THAT toned and I for sure don't look THAT great in a bikini.  Why couldn't I see how amazing my legs were until these shorts no longer fit?  I wasted time feeling bad while wearing these tiny shorts!  Shorts I would give anything to simply zip up again!

Now, here in this office and place of life, I should know better than to waste more time feeling bad about shorts not fitting.  My waist may be 28 inches instead of 25 but someday that same waist might be 30 inches and I'll feel silly in retrospect again at the moments I'm wasting here.  The days of fitting these shorts may be over but my life doesn't have to be.  I'm not quite finished with those reckless, impulsive days yet.  Nor am I done music festivals, hangovers or falling asleep on the cool sand by the seashore - even if my new shorts have to be a little longer. 

this week's tip | make a 'done it' list instead of a 'to do' list

janemcmaster.wordpress.com

I'm a lists-girl.  Always have been.  Lately though, I seem to be struggling with time management, rarely being able to tick off every item on my daily list.  My routine has always been to make a to-do list for the following day before going to bed at night but lately I keep re-writing the same pesky items that just aren't getting done and then berating myself for them.

Last night, after Will had gone to sleep and I was still up tidying the lounge room, loading the dishwasher and all those other wifey things we need to do before settling for the night, I found myself gritting my teeth at the prospect of tomorrow when I would have to attempt to fit in all the list stuff again.  What had I done all day today, I wondered angrily as I do every other night, that had prevented me from sweeping the front deck or hand washing the dedicates that had now accumulated to max capacity?  So this time, I made a list.

Once I'd actually written down and looked at all the things I had done, I felt much better.  Let me list the things I learnt from this exercise, turns out: 

1. it wasn't a wasted day at all 

2. I had actually done a lot - a few things were spontaneous that needed immediate addressing and weren't on the list, so I didn't give myself credit for them

3. to-do lists can be more a hindrance than a help

4. once it becomes absolutely imperative for me to sweep the deck or wash things I WILL

5. I should give myself more credit

6. there's truth in the saying there just aren't enough hours in the day

Case and point: lists don't prioritize, they guide.  Why should I feel bad for not sweeping the deck when Will came home for lunch so that spare time allotment went into to making his meal instead?  I felt so good about myself after listing what I had done - validated even.  This made me see just how bad my high-pressure to-do lists were making me feel and I wondered how many other women do this?  

Instead of adding pressure to ourselves, let's give ourselves some recognition and much needed love!  Next time you feel like you're not good enough, take my advice and make a list of things you HAVE done - you'll instantly see that not only are you efficient: you're great at juggling all those spanners that get thrown into the works as well!

Wrapping up festivities

It's all over after this week, the festive season I mean.  Once we reign in the New Year on Tuesday night, we're done with parties, family get-togethers and festivity until next November on Thanksgiving when the excitement builds again.  Some families get together and celebrate Easter, like mine in Australia, but there's no chance of us getting over there this time so aside from the sporadic yearly celebrations of St Patty's Day or the 4th July... my season of festivities is officially over after Tuesday.

We cram a lot into December, Will and I.  His birthday and our anniversary meander right in between all of the Christmas and NYE hype.  When you add certain family drama and personality clashes that are strewn in on top of it all, it becomes quite the headache.  This year, we thought we'd be happier if we were on our own, trying to make our festive season 'special' for ourselves.  Instead we found that drama, albeit tense and horrible, is part and parcel of belonging to a family.  Without said drama or the personality clashes, occasional drunken outbursts or temper tantrums of previous Christmas's, we were just alone in a peaceful desert - having a blast, but feeling somewhat hollow; just another trip away and not like Christmas at all.  

Jane Austen wrote that arrogance is an affliction of youth and if that's the case, we must be growing up.  The lessons we've learnt are that we can't change naught but ourselves and that family is the one constant in our lives that we can't do anything about.  The only thing worse than tantrums and tension is not having them around at all.

November in Austin, TX

I feel like I've been taken back in time or maybe time has just frozen.  The scenery in Austin right now is just what it was in Atlanta two months ago but by then, the city was already colder than Austin is now.  One of the things I adored about Atlanta was that it distinctly had four seasons - each vastly different and wonderful in its own way.

Here, it's the middle of November and I'm hot.  Perhaps I've been taken further back in time - maybe as far as three years ago when I was living in Australia since now we're exactly one week from Thanksgiving (which I have come to associate with cold, murky weather) and I'm wearing a singlet and denim shorts, outside in the sunlight replanting a chrysanthemum that's still sprouting new buds!

I can just picture Atlanta: everyone's in a hurry out on the streets, craving the warmth of buildings.  They're wrapped head to toe in boots and scarves; maybe the gloves have even come out already.  I can also imagine Manhattan: pedestrians braving the furious wind in fur coats, anxiously awaiting the first snowfall that will cover the city in a layer of shimmering, white, clean beauty and turn it into a real-life snow globe.  Thanksgiving celebrations in both cities involving snug blankets beside fireplaces, cider, cable-knit sweaters and pies of every variety.    

Am I even in America anymore?  Here in Austin the leaves are only now changing color with some sporadic trees reluctantly dropping their leaves while others are ignoring their seasonal obligations entirely.  The murkiness of autumn is just starting to creep up our street and linger outside of our windows - and that's only happened twice, on overcast days.  I feel so turned around and confused, looking at my calender and very consciously repeating to myself that I'm in Austin and it's November, hoping it will sink in soon.

I am looking forward to next week - even if it feels more like Easter than Thanksgiving.  We are having Will's little brother and dad stay with us which is always fun and after all; family is all you really need on Thanksgiving and a welcome trade-off in lieu of my beloved red, orange and yellow backdrop and blistering cold.

The places I've called home

The scariest thing in the world to many people is moving away from their family and friends.  I’ve moved to completely new cities – where I knew no one and started my life over, completely from scratch, four times in my adult life and five altogether, if you count moving from Kazakhstan to Australia with my parents when I was 5. 

Honestly, it IS hard and scary and lonely and completely, gut-wrenchingly depressing at times.  There are times when I weep for past lives of mine that lived happily in places where I was whole – with friends, family, a job, a car, stability, purpose.  Sometimes it seems that the moment I have it all together, I leave.  Sometimes I’m desperate for a permanent home; a piece of land somewhere in this world that belongs to me, where I can spread some metaphorical and physical roots (I love gardening).

I want to give a shout out to all the places I’ve called home, places within the city limits of which parts of me are confided, like Voldemort’s horcruxes. 

Almaty – Kazakhstan (yes, the place Borat is from)

I was born and lived here until I was 5. Although my recollections of it are scattered, the memories I do have are very powerful and are mainly of a family that I have long since become estranged from; but I think love is the strongest emotion of all and those feelings and faces have remained with me throughout my life.

Brisbane, QLD Australia

School, work, church, family, growing up, first friends, first fights, first unforgivable circumstances, first love, first kiss (Chris Lokteff - I get to brag because... well google him!!), first disappointment, first designer handbag, first everything I guess… it all took place here in the beautiful capital city of Queensland, Australia.

Sunshine Coast, QLD Australia

Although I never technically lived here – every school and family holiday, as well as many, many weekends were spent at various beaches here on this breathtaking shore.  Caloundra, Mooloolaba, Nambour, Noosa and the mountainous hinterland all left huge footprints on my existence.  Kings Beach at Caloundra has remained my meditating center: the spot I always go to in my head when I need to feel at peace.

Gold Coast, QLD Australia

Same as above – although not the family holiday part.  Once high school was over, my friends and I spent many weekends along the shores of this part of the world.  Southport, Surfer’s Paradise, Burliegh Heads and Coolangatta were always my favorites.

Rockhampton, QLD Australia

My first solo adult move. I came here for university and a boy, neither of which worked out.  Instead I found my truest and bestest friends.  Friends that have withstood time and heartbreaking distance.  I miss this place (and Yeppoon) so much that I get chocked up when I think it.  I lived here for almost 4 years and undoubtedly left the biggest chunk of my heart here in this small town.

Scarborough Beach, WA Australia

My next solo move; but during this one, I became tied to Will and we have traveled together everywhere else since.  Although we only lived here for 6 months, it was an incredible experience.  Truly one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever seen.  I spent a lot of time in the capital city Perth, which was a short train ride away from me, in Fremantle, on Scarborough Beach and neighboring beaches.

Yeppoon, QLD Australia

Will and I got married here and then stayed for a while before moving to the US.  This small town is only half an hour away from Rockhampton and it’s where many of my friends live.  It’s the unofficial beginning of Australia’s iconic ‘Great Barrier Reef’ – amazing, awe-inspiring; life changing experiences were had here. 

Atlanta, GA USA

The lonliest I’ve ever felt, moving to Atlanta was a culture shock, a test of my marriage and friendships, yet another growing experience and the single most self-altering 3 years I’ve ever had.  I spent the first year being heartbroken and homesick for Australia, completely determined to hate the city and not assimilate at all.  But it’s seriously impossible to hate Peidmont Park in the fall, Centennial Park at Christmas, Stone Mountain any time of year or Midtown where we lived.  Eventually, after meeting people, figuring out the public transport and getting to know Will’s family, this city became another home with many more people I’ve come to love.

Austin, TX USA…

Doesn't feel like home yet but… Stay tuned!  After a month here, I like it a lot.  In many ways it reminds me of Australia! And now that I’m no longer homesick for Aus every day, it’s an ironic and almost painful reminder of how far I've come but now have to start again! The attire of shorts and flip/ flops and the wildlife, nature and environmental consciousness are all very reminiscent… expect that here it’s deer, raccoons and squirrels abounding the streets instead of kangaroos, cockatoos and possums.  I think moving here will turn out to be a good thing, eventually. The people are very welcoming and genuine, shouldn't take too long to assimilate.  For now though, it's back to homesickness and loneliness.  

The childless wife

On Saturday Will was out of town and I was thinking of how to spend my day off with the puppies, who are currently my only source of company since I don't have any friends in Austin yet.  This got me thinking of my closest girlfriends when it suddenly hit me - they all have kids!  Even when we did live close to one another, their Saturdays revolved around their kids whereas I still wanted to do things like shopping, getting manicures or drinking wine and watching movies.

I know childless women always go on about not being about to relate to their friends with children or they get bored constantly hearing about them all the time but I sat there wondering if my life has less importance than theirs because I haven't begun to live for someone else... and how different this particular Saturday would have been if I had.

My list of priorities revolves around taking care of my husband and our dogs; writing; home decor and fragrance; a social life complete with new venues, cuisine and travel; manicured nails and fashion. I still look at kids and wonder what the big deal is about growing a tooth or each one going through the motions of balance, crawling, walking, talking ... to me it's the normal progression of life and I would assume that if teeth weren't growing or if the kid wasn't walking THAT would be the big deal.

Does society judge childless wives?  Or do we judge ourselves?  That's what I'm trying to figure out.  I know I judge myself and feel dreadfully self conscious about my priorities and life in general whenever I'm with my friends who have children. What makes it worse is that most of them were married a lot shorter than Will and I are married now before they became mums, while  I'm sitting on the wrong side of my 20's with no thought of having children.  And doesn't this somewhat placated attitude of mine towards my friend's children mean I'm simply not mother material anyway?  (Am I The Trunchbull?? Oh God, that's a horrible thought!)

Will and I often discuss our blessings and incredible life: full of adventure, free of stress and the ability to do exactly what we want, when we want.  But who's to say our life is better than anyone else's?   Who's to say that's the correct way to live?  Would we feel as lucky and blessed with a baby to care for and mould?

I look at each of my girlfriends now: each a wonderful and very different mother, each seeming happier than I - no self-consciousness or regrets when we're together - but then none of them have a child over 10.  I wonder if it will even out between us again once their kids have grown?  Who's to know what kind of adults they'll become or what kind of bond they will have?

Will my friends end up lonely, once the kids (that they gave their other priorities up for) leave their nests?  Will we still be friends?  How many of their marriages will survive?  Or will they always feel happier and more fulfilled than I - simply knowing that they are forever bonded to another human in a way that a childless wife will never be?