On Saturday Will was out of town and I was thinking of how to spend my day off with the puppies, who are currently my only source of company since I don't have any friends in Austin yet. This got me thinking of my closest girlfriends when it suddenly hit me - they all have kids! Even when we did live close to one another, their Saturdays revolved around their kids whereas I still wanted to do things like shopping, getting manicures or drinking wine and watching movies.
I know childless women always go on about not being about to relate to their friends with children or they get bored constantly hearing about them all the time but I sat there wondering if my life has less importance than theirs because I haven't begun to live for someone else... and how different this particular Saturday would have been if I had.
My list of priorities revolves around taking care of my husband and our dogs; writing; home decor and fragrance; a social life complete with new venues, cuisine and travel; manicured nails and fashion. I still look at kids and wonder what the big deal is about growing a tooth or each one going through the motions of balance, crawling, walking, talking ... to me it's the normal progression of life and I would assume that if teeth weren't growing or if the kid wasn't walking THAT would be the big deal.
Does society judge childless wives? Or do we judge ourselves? That's what I'm trying to figure out. I know I judge myself and feel dreadfully self conscious about my priorities and life in general whenever I'm with my friends who have children. What makes it worse is that most of them were married a lot shorter than Will and I are married now before they became mums, while I'm sitting on the wrong side of my 20's with no thought of having children. And doesn't this somewhat placated attitude of mine towards my friend's children mean I'm simply not mother material anyway? (Am I The Trunchbull?? Oh God, that's a horrible thought!)
Will and I often discuss our blessings and incredible life: full of adventure, free of stress and the ability to do exactly what we want, when we want. But who's to say our life is better than anyone else's? Who's to say that's the correct way to live? Would we feel as lucky and blessed with a baby to care for and mould?
I look at each of my girlfriends now: each a wonderful and very different mother, each seeming happier than I - no self-consciousness or regrets when we're together - but then none of them have a child over 10. I wonder if it will even out between us again once their kids have grown? Who's to know what kind of adults they'll become or what kind of bond they will have?
Will my friends end up lonely, once the kids (that they gave their other priorities up for) leave their nests? Will we still be friends? How many of their marriages will survive? Or will they always feel happier and more fulfilled than I - simply knowing that they are forever bonded to another human in a way that a childless wife will never be?
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Ah Kez! Great reading through your posts on here; thanks for sharing! You raise some darn-interesting points, and questions.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny - maybe I'm not adopted afterall - because recently I've been pondering similar things. What am I doing? Where am I going? What IS the point? Not in any sort of defeatist, doom n' gloom, "I need a seachange" kind of way... just, generally. Although, running a florist by the beach somewhere does sound rather nice right about now, I must confess.
I'm thinking lately... job, material crap one accumulates, blah, blah... it's all just a means to an end. These things, ultimately, are kind of fruitless /meaningless in themselves. Like having a full chest of tools; without something constructive to do with them... some sort of purpose.
Whether this 'purpose' is about bringing kids into the world... hmm.. thoughts for another day perhaps...
Thanks for reading brosef. It means a lot to me and although I don't have any of the answers - it's kind of nice feeling lost 'together.'
DeleteDon't think you're the only one having such thoughts, Lena. I'm not even married, and I can't imagine surrendering my freedom for another person at all (and if that person is a newborn baby, the freedom would be curbed zillion times more). There is no right or wrong answer to such questions. However, I do believe that it is important to leave something after you, so that people remember you for something. Kids is only one way of doing it. You can write a book, start a company, make something beautiful with your hands or just make people around you happy. It all counts, I think.
ReplyDeleteRita, thanks so much for reading and for your feedback. I agree with you about creating something worth remembering! Thank you x
ReplyDeleteOne day, I'm going to build me a motorcycle...
ReplyDelete